shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
