why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
