Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
