you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
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I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
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That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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