On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
