fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
