btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This baby is an asshole
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
