I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
