I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
