is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
