you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
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That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
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I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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