Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
