"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
