I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
