She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
