She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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