god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
