someone threw a dead crab at me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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