you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
