just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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