Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
