We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
