well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
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Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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