Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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