I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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