I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
