i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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