she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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