My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
