i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
