Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
