alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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