Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
