i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
