I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
