I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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