I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Dicks are not precious.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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