I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
