I can't watch pbs sober anymore
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
