It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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