These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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