I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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