The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
