Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
