It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
