I'm eating all of the evidence.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
