mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
