If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
