I smell stomach acid.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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