I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
