Whod you bang
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
