So drunk its hurt
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am available for nakedness
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
