even my farts smell like vagina
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
