I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.